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Oh look, there’s that thing I forgot I thought about

Let’s go off on a tangent

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Right now,

Write now.

When insomnia is a choice, and discipline is not strong enough to contain the addiction that is social media.

When every scroll induces a craving for more. More of the same different things. More of the things I aspire to do, and probably do, but don’t think I do.

Self consciousness. Self confidence.

As one goes up the other goes down.

Which one is order and which one is chaos?

diaries of an insomniac.

5.11am

my computer was turned off an hour ago. before i rolled in my bed for an hour. now it’s back on. i got sick of rolling.

the sun isn’t back yet. either that or the clouds are too thick, i don’t know. but it still looks like night outside. the darkness of the street reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter. expecting the Knight Bus…any moment now.

or maybe that ugly cat (which i previously mistook for a fox because of its ugliness) will suddenly turn into a bus. like in Totoro.

or maybe the Magic School Bus will come by, too.

please remind me why i’m talking about buses?

 

i know why i’m awake

it’s too noisy here

here, there, anywhere

the clutter of voices bickering inside my head

constantly reminding me of the never ending list of “things to do”

forever wandering back to the same old questions that never cease to intrigue me. that, or annoy. i don’t know.

shut up, i don’t care;

i wish i didn’t.

i should start being honest to myself.

 

so here i am, sitting here, blogging about nothing at all.

done my chores for the day. completed mini projects. prepared presents: for birthdays, for graduations.

uni readings? neh, do them tomorrow. (procrastination at its best)

 

i think i’m just awake because i’m too worried about reoccuring nightmares. as i’ve previously experienced.

not scary ones, not thrilling ones, just heartbreaking ones that lead me to wake up in a pillow of tears.

 

sometimes i just wish i could shove someone’s finger into my head, much in the same fashion as a usb plugged into a computer;

and this would allow them to understand/see/feel everything i’m experiencing

saves so much time from not needing to explain things

comes in handy too when conflicting views arise.

 

babblebabblebabble.

 

the purpose of this was to clear the mess in my head

but it doesn’t look like it’s working

so i guess…i’ll have to resort to doing uni readings til i fall asleep. in the book. drool and all. because i’m so graceful like that.

 

and i wish i could stop myself from hoping

but hope is all i have.

if hope can translate into confidence which then translates into my hope coming true

then hell i will hope like i have never hoped before.

 

don’t know how it began, but i don’t see an end for it.

happy endings don’t exist;

because true happiness is never meant to end.

 

5.26am </end>

insomniac

two effing hours
of effing rolling in bed
sleeping pills expired
but it wasnt like they worked on me to begin with
effeffeffEFFMYLIFE

dreality

what if dreams become so real that you wake up beliving that it’s true?

and what if whatever you dreamt of is so good, that even upon realising that it was only a dream, you still choose to believe that it’s true?

you know you experienced it all, and felt every little bit of it…just that it was in a dream and not in reality.
is that considered lying to yourself?

untitled.

why won’t these feelings leave me alone
why won’t i leave these feelings alone

i have every bit of negativity to ever exist bottled up inside me. they leak out every night, without fail, and tonight the leakage is more than usual. i’m not coping.

i can feel every emotion, all at the same time, and i can barely describe how i feel in words anymore.

i want to cry. i want to laugh. i want to hit something. i want to run. i want to drive so insanely fast that all i see are lines of light.

i feel cold and hot at the same time.
my heart is so heavy its sinking lower every second.
and i feel hurt.
i don’t even know what kind of hurt, or why i feel hurt, but i just do.

i don’t want to be awake
i don’t want to be like this.

i wish i knew what to do
someone save me
someone…

fag hag

i could be your fag hag
and you could be my gang

gotta love lily allen.
now since that was the last song that played in my car before i arrived home (also coz i’ve listened to it 3 or 4 times today), i have it stuck in my head.

yes, i sing along every time it comes on, and yes i sing it out loud when it’s stuck in my head. but what IS a fag hag?

i don’t think i really know.

i suppose i do this a lot, sing to a song and not even know what i’m singing about. most of the time because i can barely catch the lyrics so i just make it up to the closest sounding words and sing it.

being a so called “in-between”, i’m stuck between an ABC and a FOB. so whether the song is in chinese or english, there are sure to be words i just can’t freaking catch until i look the lyrics up. which i can never be bothered doing. so i always end up singing my own version.

speaking of in-between, i’m in a very awkward time at the moment. 4.39am. it’s like, should i sleep, or not? if i sleep now, i get 4 hours maximum (work starts at 9am). so that’s…half of what i’m meant to be getting. but if i were to stay up and probably take a caffeine pill or something in the morning to keep me going at work, i’d really have nothing to do for 4 hours. i mean, i’m too tired/cbb to study now. but i’ve got nothing to do online…i never have anything to do online anymore! i can sit there, busily check email/facebook/blackboard/msn and whatever’s left for 15-30minutes, then have absolutely nothing to do AT ALL. makes me wonder how i used to stay online for hours and hours and hours and still think i had more things to be done…

so back to the sleeping problem.
why am i still up you ask?

well for one, i’m paranoid of spiders creeping around my ceiling. after finding 60 spiders crawling around my room within one day, i (after vacuuming all the spiders away) sprayed an excessive amount of those insect killing shit around my room (in every corner possible, and even under my bed) and just left it there…slept in the living room for two nights, got massive sore neck and lacked sleep, slept away from home for another few nights…now i’m back.

so apart from the spiders, i’m also paranoid of the insect spray. i can’t smell it anymore, as in, the scent…not that it smells nice or anything…but yeah, i can’t physically smell it, but i can feel it making my nose feel uncomfortable? so i wasn’t sure what to do…coz for some reason during the few nights i didn’t sleep at home, the sofa got filled up with other shit, so i can no longer use it as my refuge.

what else? i’m hungry. on many occasions i’ve been told to go to sleep to ignore the hunger til the morning, but how the hell do you sleep when your tummy is aching and rumbling? i NEED to eat. but it’s such a bad time to eat. so i’m trying to wait for myself to be so overly hungry that i just don’t feel hungry anymore. which is also bad for me. i don’t know. i’ll probably end up eating some junk after i finish this entry.

my eyes are so tired. but my body and brain are still so active. which means as soon as i turn my light off and shut my eyes, i’ll keep tossing and turning, and just start pondering about shit, and annoy the hell out of myself because i just won’t be able to get to sleep (and craig david’s insomnia plays….)

how good would it be to be a cullen. working at 100% at all times. when sleep is not needed, so much more can be done. what takes me three or so days to do now could be done in one day! how convenient!

oh dear, i just ate.
junk foooooood. woots.
so tasty, so bad.
WELL. i think i’m ready to sleep now. if not, i’ll just…toss and turn and think about random shit. which i hate doing. coz i always think over recent events, even the SMALLEST TINIEST DETAILS, and overthink, and start thinking people hate me or are pist at me. then i get paranoid, sad, stressed….the lot.

i may have depression.

wild imagination

i have a wild imagination

examples?

1. every night to make myself go to sleep, i imagine my dreams until i start dreaming – which end up being different to my imagination anyway

2. when i’m stuck in the toilet with nothing to do (no mobile, shock horror!), i think of blog entries to write – which i don’t end up posting most of the time anyway

3. was looking out towards parramatta direction (apparently it was parramatta…) one night, and could have sworn i saw one of the buildings on fire – still unconfirmed

4. i see things move out of the corner of my eye – by things i mean objects that are not meant to move

5. i hear things…that are apparently non existent

6. i also daydream about dreaming

7. i say things that are really far off topic…and no one gets it…and i don’t even remember how i got there in the first place

8. i have conversations inside my head…with myself…sometimes with other people too!

9. i reenact scenes from movies or past experiences in my head…usually for no reason

10. i overanalyse everything

procrastination session is over, back to mark2053