perhaps many would know that i’ve always wanted to marry early, at about 24,
but i don’t think anyone actually knows why…
this goal began ten years ago, when a relative married his uni sweetheart, at the age of 24. i had always admired their relationship, and wanted something similar for myself;
just then i was browsing facebook and found family photos of them. they are now both very successful, with three lovely children, and couldn’t look any happier.
幸福 is in their eyes.
i don’t need any fairy tales or prince charming… just a simple love story to last me an eternity, would be good.
my computer was turned off an hour ago. before i rolled in my bed for an hour. now it’s back on. i got sick of rolling.
the sun isn’t back yet. either that or the clouds are too thick, i don’t know. but it still looks like night outside. the darkness of the street reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter. expecting the Knight Bus…any moment now.
or maybe that ugly cat (which i previously mistook for a fox because of its ugliness) will suddenly turn into a bus. like in Totoro.
or maybe the Magic School Bus will come by, too.
please remind me why i’m talking about buses?
i know why i’m awake
it’s too noisy here
here, there, anywhere
the clutter of voices bickering inside my head
constantly reminding me of the never ending list of “things to do”
forever wandering back to the same old questions that never cease to intrigue me. that, or annoy. i don’t know.
shut up, i don’t care;
i wish i didn’t.
i should start being honest to myself.
so here i am, sitting here, blogging about nothing at all.
done my chores for the day. completed mini projects. prepared presents: for birthdays, for graduations.
uni readings? neh, do them tomorrow. (procrastination at its best)
i think i’m just awake because i’m too worried about reoccuring nightmares. as i’ve previously experienced.
not scary ones, not thrilling ones, just heartbreaking ones that lead me to wake up in a pillow of tears.
sometimes i just wish i could shove someone’s finger into my head, much in the same fashion as a usb plugged into a computer;
and this would allow them to understand/see/feel everything i’m experiencing
saves so much time from not needing to explain things
comes in handy too when conflicting views arise.
the purpose of this was to clear the mess in my head
but it doesn’t look like it’s working
so i guess…i’ll have to resort to doing uni readings til i fall asleep. in the book. drool and all. because i’m so graceful like that.
and i wish i could stop myself from hoping
but hope is all i have.
if hope can translate into confidence which then translates into my hope coming true
then hell i will hope like i have never hoped before.
don’t know how it began, but i don’t see an end for it.
happy endings don’t exist;
because true happiness is never meant to end.
one step, away from reaching my dream.
one step, from needing to find a new dream to live for.
but the question is, is my stride wide enough to take this step?
i feel, i know, that the next downtime will come soon.
it’s a race against time;
and i must complete everything to keep my life functioning before the next depression hits.
it’s a scary image,
when every time i close my eyes all i see is myself throwing a tantrum, breaking things, pulling my hair out, crying, screaming out loud.
i think she’s coming back soon.
two effing hours
of effing rolling in bed
sleeping pills expired
but it wasnt like they worked on me to begin with
從小就被稱為 “喊包” 的我, 早就習慣了被大人罵我愁眉苦臉, 像苦瓜一樣
當時還小, 以為自己天生就是苦瓜臉, 從來沒有想過要改。
後來開始成長, 面對的難題越來越多, 苦瓜臉出現的次數也增加了
這時候, 一位我一直很崇拜 (和感謝) 的人就對我說,
“no one can change how you feel, except for yourself”
(Dear Ms Sleeman, I hope that you are resting in peace, you will forever be missed.)
no one can change how i feel, except for myself