michiellaneous dreality

這個世界太可怕

對一切有所保留

幸福

perhaps many would know that i’ve always wanted to marry early, at about 24,

but i don’t think anyone actually knows why…

 

this goal began ten years ago, when a relative married his uni sweetheart, at the age of 24. i had always admired their relationship, and wanted something similar for myself;

just then i was browsing facebook and found family photos of them. they are now both very successful, with three lovely children, and couldn’t look any happier.

幸福 is in their eyes.

 

i don’t need any fairy tales or prince charming… just a simple love story to last me an eternity, would be good.

=]

diaries of an insomniac.

5.11am

my computer was turned off an hour ago. before i rolled in my bed for an hour. now it’s back on. i got sick of rolling.

the sun isn’t back yet. either that or the clouds are too thick, i don’t know. but it still looks like night outside. the darkness of the street reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter. expecting the Knight Bus…any moment now.

or maybe that ugly cat (which i previously mistook for a fox because of its ugliness) will suddenly turn into a bus. like in Totoro.

or maybe the Magic School Bus will come by, too.

please remind me why i’m talking about buses?

 

i know why i’m awake

it’s too noisy here

here, there, anywhere

the clutter of voices bickering inside my head

constantly reminding me of the never ending list of “things to do”

forever wandering back to the same old questions that never cease to intrigue me. that, or annoy. i don’t know.

shut up, i don’t care;

i wish i didn’t.

i should start being honest to myself.

 

so here i am, sitting here, blogging about nothing at all.

done my chores for the day. completed mini projects. prepared presents: for birthdays, for graduations.

uni readings? neh, do them tomorrow. (procrastination at its best)

 

i think i’m just awake because i’m too worried about reoccuring nightmares. as i’ve previously experienced.

not scary ones, not thrilling ones, just heartbreaking ones that lead me to wake up in a pillow of tears.

 

sometimes i just wish i could shove someone’s finger into my head, much in the same fashion as a usb plugged into a computer;

and this would allow them to understand/see/feel everything i’m experiencing

saves so much time from not needing to explain things

comes in handy too when conflicting views arise.

 

babblebabblebabble.

 

the purpose of this was to clear the mess in my head

but it doesn’t look like it’s working

so i guess…i’ll have to resort to doing uni readings til i fall asleep. in the book. drool and all. because i’m so graceful like that.

 

and i wish i could stop myself from hoping

but hope is all i have.

if hope can translate into confidence which then translates into my hope coming true

then hell i will hope like i have never hoped before.

 

don’t know how it began, but i don’t see an end for it.

happy endings don’t exist;

because true happiness is never meant to end.

 

5.26am </end>

如果哭聲沒有人聽到
有誰會知道來安慰
如果哭聲真的有人聽到
有誰會願意來安慰

=]

其實路太過直總太枯燥
平常事有點小波折不算太糟
明白就算努力不確定討好
凡事對得起只怕強求乞討

outlet for stress

one step, away from reaching my dream.
one step, from needing to find a new dream to live for.
but the question is, is my stride wide enough to take this step?

i feel, i know, that the next downtime will come soon.
it’s a race against time;
and i must complete everything to keep my life functioning before the next depression hits.

it’s a scary image,
when every time i close my eyes all i see is myself throwing a tantrum, breaking things, pulling my hair out, crying, screaming out loud.
i think she’s coming back soon.

insomniac

two effing hours
of effing rolling in bed
sleeping pills expired
but it wasnt like they worked on me to begin with
effeffeffEFFMYLIFE

愛上苦瓜

從小就被稱為 “喊包” 的我, 早就習慣了被大人罵我愁眉苦臉, 像苦瓜一樣
當時還小, 以為自己天生就是苦瓜臉, 從來沒有想過要改。

後來開始成長, 面對的難題越來越多, 苦瓜臉出現的次數也增加了
這時候, 一位我一直很崇拜 (和感謝) 的人就對我說,
“no one can change how you feel, except for yourself”
(Dear Ms Sleeman, I hope that you are resting in peace, you will forever be missed.)
對於當時只有十四歲的我, 這一句話完全改變了我的生活態度
我開始鍛煉自己, 不讓自己哭
每天也刻意想出應該開心或值得慶祝的理由。
沒錯, 一切好像變得很順利
但同時間, 生活也漸漸變得空虛
每天都會笑笑笑, 但怎麼到最後好像甚麼都沒有的?

苦瓜臉決定回來了
但是苦得比之前還厲害, 每晚不哭也睡不著。
可是每當有好的事情發生, 我開心的程度也增加了好幾倍。
我才發現
沒苦過, 又怎麼知道甜的滋味呢?

no one can change how i feel, except for myself
但是我不要每天都開心
我需要的是 balance
我寧願繼續做苦瓜
真的值得高興的事發生
我才會自然地從心笑出來
亦會很珍惜這種喜悅的感覺

我愛上了苦瓜的生活